Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Not necessarily just karate, but just everything. When it's nice we want to be out riding our bikes or playing soccer at the park. When it's not nice we want to go to the movies or read Diary of the Wimpy Kid books. They're great.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer,
do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
A middle-aged woman,
whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,
responded publicly to the question
posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life,
get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,
seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,
the Bering Sea
and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers
and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators
other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,
they would be lining up outside the offices
of Argentinean psychoanalysts
due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention,
who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.
P..S. We are in an age
when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.
With time, we gain weight
because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨
Friday, March 12, 2010
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head .... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Friday, March 05, 2010
Subject: Negative people
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best
to rain on your parade... So remember this story the next time someone who
knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us
up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who f*cked up your hair?"
Thursday, March 04, 2010
At 10:20 we headed upstairs to bed and find JT still awake reading the last 4 pages of his new book he got from Scholastic "The Diary of a Wimpy Kid".
His brother was sound asleep snuggled up beside him - JT said Alex was scared so he was reading to him until he fell asleep.
What a great big brother!
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Now flip flops on the other hand. Love love love!
Something about large pieces of molded plastic/rubber wrapped around my feet is a bit of a turnoff.
As I was complaining to my good friend about my blisters and why oh why can't I just run barefoot, she mentioned these. I'm in love!
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
I went to Wally-World and discovered about 10 different bright annoying patterns. None were better than the others.
I grabbed the black and white polka dotted beauties at first and carried them around the store and then I thought about what jacket I'd wear with these boots. I'm kind of limited to just plain black. My black sweater is nice but it's heavy so then I opted for something HOT to match my HOT PINK sweater.
My eyes still hurt from looking at them. I can (almost) guarantee that these will be hidden under my jeans. I just don't think I can pull off having my jeans tucked into these for all the world (moms) to see and laugh.
I'll be paying more attention to what everyone else is wearing on their feet today...
Monday, March 01, 2010
As defined by thefreedictionary.com:
adj. strang·er, strang·est
1. Not previously known; unfamiliar.
a. Out of the ordinary; unusual or striking.
b. Differing from the normal.
3. Not of one's own or a particular locality, environment, or kind; exotic.
a. Reserved in manner; distant.
b. Not comfortable or at ease; constrained.
5. Not accustomed or conditioned: She was strange to her new duties.
6. Archaic Of, relating to, or characteristic of another place or part of the world; foreign.
In a strange manner.
Hmm...could be an interesting month to say the least. I'm on the hunt for strange stuff now - must remember to bring camera everywhere!!!